Summer is almost here, unless you live in the south then you get to have it all the time. But up here in Minnesota it's like a sacred flower that only blooms (literally) for a few months until eternal winter comes back. I have noticed that Target, Rachel Hollis (whom I love) and basically EVERY female on instagram is SHOUTING to the sky that, yes, women of all shapes and sizes CAN AND SHOULD wear a bikini. I see it and hear it everywhere I go and that's fine because IT IS TRUE. But I wanted to tell you, that if you aren't comfortable in one, you don't HAVE to wear one.
I have recently come to terms with the fact that I have NEVER been comfortable in a bikini regardless of how great or how bad I look in one. I used to be 105 lbs, banging curves and a body that I was never thankful for. Around this time, I was on the island up north with my dad, enjoying a nice summer day. That night, we went to the bar, as we usually did. A guy sitting next to me said "OH, YOU are the girl in the red bikini." As a youngster, my initial reaction was that I was proud of my body that I didn't work for. Proud of how it looked and proud that boys noticed. But that one comment, has stayed with me because it had nothing to do with my character or the person that I am, just the skin I am wearing in this life.
I reflect on that one experience along with all of them combined and realized that I have NEVER EVER felt secure wearing bikini's. Yes, I have posted pictures of myself in them on facebook and instagram (and of course only when I have thought I looked good, because facebook is like cosplay but for life and not an actual reflection of real life). I wanted to write this blog for a while and thought that I should likely take those pictures down because this would make me a hypocrite but life isn't linear so they stay up. Comfort levels aren't linear either. I have looked good and I have looked flabby. My skin has broken out (like right now) and it's been perfectly clear.
My point of writing this is that, everyone who feels bombarded by the "you SHOULD wear a bikini campaign" should know that not wearing one doesn't make you any less of a wonderful person then you all ready are. Great abs don't make you kind. Stellar gluts don't make you thoughtful. Swim wear doesn't define you and being able to fit into sit swimwear (which gets skimpier every year) is not a reflection of the person that you are.
Enjoy yourselves this summer in a way that keeps your character safe!
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Friday, April 5, 2019
Medication Reaction: I Thought I Was Dying
This winter I decided to start taking Spironolactone and Yasmin for a couple months. I'd been on them before and thought nothing of it. I figured they'd do what they are supposed to do, one to quiet down my ovaries and one to clear my face, because my face being 90% clear of acne wasn't good enough......
After 2 months, I jumped up my spironolactone intake from 25 mg to 50 mg because my body wasn't responding the way I "wanted." Both of these doses are "baby doses" by dermatologist standards, who also use this medication off label. It's actual use is a diuretic to treat high blood pressure and fluid retention. A month after I had upped my dose, I felt chest pain. I thought, maybe it's just a tight muscle or two, nothing I can't handle. Then I noticed that my entire mouth of teeth were in pain and hot cold sensitive. After that came the stomach pain and EXTREME anxiety. I've lived with anxiety my whole life and I can generally sort it out on my own without the help of medication. At this point I could not make it through cooking a meal for my family without crying and desperately trying to follow directions that I could not remember. That night, Evan fell asleep on my lap. He never does that and this little voice, disguised as my own, said "you are going to die tonight, that is why he fell asleep on you." That was when I knew that these two medications were interacting and I needed to stop immediately. Don't worry, I'm not and never have been suicidal. I see an amazing therapist. And please don't say "well you should just stop thinking that way." Anxiety and thoughts like that are not ME. Anxiety is like getting a text message from someone else while you are just trying to live your life and it sounds like you, in your head, but it's not you. It lies, all the time. It informs you of the worst possible scenarios, all the time. It's typically wrong, all the time.
I turned to the doctors and they said "those two medications don't do that." I even told my allergist this and she retorted the same thing. It felt like I was crazy and everyone around me was telling me that "yes, you are crazy." I finally called a pharmacist and the intern said "oh yes, those two medications can interact and can cause those side effects. It may take your body over a month to regulate it's hormones again so expect the side effects to continue on for a while, despite the medications half life."
FINALLY!!!! Finally someone who could tell me something that knew ANYTHING!!!! I searched the internet up and down for blogs and only came across ONE with women all discussing the same anxiety side effect of spironolactone. No one discussed the mouth pain but they all talked about the side effect of anxiety.
Throughout February and March, I kept grinding on the right side of my mouth to "see" if the pain side effect was still there. But by the time the side effect pain was gone, I'd developed new pain. TMJ pain from stress and anxiety. As for now, the anxiety is gone. The stomach and chest pain is gone. My heart rate has returned to normal. My right jaw joint is swollen but I suspect this will mend itself with a lot of time and self care.
I needed to blog about this. Not to complain about western medicine because there's a time and place for everything, but to place this all in writing in case some day, someone has the same problems and finds this blog. I wanted to put this out there on the internet in case someone else needs it.
The true hero in this is actually zinc. Zinc by MegaFood has naturally done more for my skin then anything I've ever gotten from a dermatologist.
My brain is happy, my skin is happy and I am truly so much happier then I was when I started doing this to myself. In fact, I have never loved myself more then I do right now. I am back to myself again and I can laugh again.
After 2 months, I jumped up my spironolactone intake from 25 mg to 50 mg because my body wasn't responding the way I "wanted." Both of these doses are "baby doses" by dermatologist standards, who also use this medication off label. It's actual use is a diuretic to treat high blood pressure and fluid retention. A month after I had upped my dose, I felt chest pain. I thought, maybe it's just a tight muscle or two, nothing I can't handle. Then I noticed that my entire mouth of teeth were in pain and hot cold sensitive. After that came the stomach pain and EXTREME anxiety. I've lived with anxiety my whole life and I can generally sort it out on my own without the help of medication. At this point I could not make it through cooking a meal for my family without crying and desperately trying to follow directions that I could not remember. That night, Evan fell asleep on my lap. He never does that and this little voice, disguised as my own, said "you are going to die tonight, that is why he fell asleep on you." That was when I knew that these two medications were interacting and I needed to stop immediately. Don't worry, I'm not and never have been suicidal. I see an amazing therapist. And please don't say "well you should just stop thinking that way." Anxiety and thoughts like that are not ME. Anxiety is like getting a text message from someone else while you are just trying to live your life and it sounds like you, in your head, but it's not you. It lies, all the time. It informs you of the worst possible scenarios, all the time. It's typically wrong, all the time.
I turned to the doctors and they said "those two medications don't do that." I even told my allergist this and she retorted the same thing. It felt like I was crazy and everyone around me was telling me that "yes, you are crazy." I finally called a pharmacist and the intern said "oh yes, those two medications can interact and can cause those side effects. It may take your body over a month to regulate it's hormones again so expect the side effects to continue on for a while, despite the medications half life."
FINALLY!!!! Finally someone who could tell me something that knew ANYTHING!!!! I searched the internet up and down for blogs and only came across ONE with women all discussing the same anxiety side effect of spironolactone. No one discussed the mouth pain but they all talked about the side effect of anxiety.
Throughout February and March, I kept grinding on the right side of my mouth to "see" if the pain side effect was still there. But by the time the side effect pain was gone, I'd developed new pain. TMJ pain from stress and anxiety. As for now, the anxiety is gone. The stomach and chest pain is gone. My heart rate has returned to normal. My right jaw joint is swollen but I suspect this will mend itself with a lot of time and self care.
I needed to blog about this. Not to complain about western medicine because there's a time and place for everything, but to place this all in writing in case some day, someone has the same problems and finds this blog. I wanted to put this out there on the internet in case someone else needs it.
The true hero in this is actually zinc. Zinc by MegaFood has naturally done more for my skin then anything I've ever gotten from a dermatologist.
My brain is happy, my skin is happy and I am truly so much happier then I was when I started doing this to myself. In fact, I have never loved myself more then I do right now. I am back to myself again and I can laugh again.
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